better than okay
by constellation way
Summary: /"I think I love you."/ Fili is dead and everything hurts hurts hurts because he is gone but there is someone who tells you that you will be okay and you know it is a lie because nothing will ever be okay again. And you are right, and you are wrong, because you are okay but you are better than okay and really it is all thanks to Bain. [oneshot] (had to get this out of my system)


**So I may have just watched BOTFA and I am just sad and depressed because yeah and because I am so mad about Fili and I just really really love him and I wrote this in like I don't know forty five minutes or something but okay I just needed to **

**I get that this may be a bit weird because poof Fili and then Bain and then yeah but I love Bain too and I don't know maybe he needs a bit more love (okay maybe more like he seriously needs a bit more love) **

**And this is my first time trying second person POV (is that what it's called?) and I am still really sad about BOTFA and stuff so yeah please just read (and review hopefully) and I love you guys even though it has been like ten thousand years since I wrote anything Tolkien-related**

* * *

The corridors are dark, and the flames flicker red-orange-yellow against the crumbling stone walls, but you hardly notice them as you make your way through the darkening halls of Erebor. Behind you, you can hear talk and laughter, you can hear loud voices and the clink of glasses and the murmur of low chatter, and you should be there, you know you should be, but you can't.

You can't.

You can't, because there is someone missing and your heart hurts so badly and you don't want to be able to _feel_.

You wish, for a moment, that Bilbo had stayed, instead of going off with Gandalf. You have said your goodbyes, of course you have, you have both spent countless hours crying into each other's shoulders and sitting together through the pain and the tears and the hurt. You know that going back to the Shire is what Bilbo needs, just as how you know that staying here, staying in Dale, is what you need.

It doesn't make you feel much better, because you feel more alone than you've had the whole of your journey.

Finally you reach the pair of double doors, and you slip in through them silently, quietly.

Three people lie here.

Three bodies.

Three coffins.

You head, immediately, to the coffin on the far right. It is elegant, and it is polished and dark and refined and –

_And inside it is a figure who will never fight again who will never laugh who will never smile – _

You sink onto the ground by the coffin and something tears at your chest, and your head is pounding and it hurts hurts hurts _so much_.

You are bitter. Of course you are.

So many words left unsaid.

Thorin has had a grand death, taking down Azog. He has said his final goodbyes, he has said what he has wanted to say to one of the truest friends he's ever had, he has died knowing that he has put things right, as much as he could have.

Kili has died out of anger for his brother, Kili has died for a love he's just found. He has gone down recklessly, but bravely, he has gone down as any brave warrior can choose to, he has gone down knowing that he has done all that he can, that he has saved who he can save.

And Fili –

You have heard the story from Bilbo. You have heard of the ambush, of the attack, of Azog throwing him off the cliff as if he were a rag doll.

Something snaps in you.

_I think I love you. _

A million times you could have said those words and a million times you didn't because you didn't know you never knew how he would respond and so you never said it and now you wish you had you wish you did _you wish you could tell him what he should have known. _

If you close your eyes, you can remember.

You can remember days spent with him, you can remember making your way over endless, winding paths on the journey for Erebor. You can see him smile, and you can hear him laugh, and you can feel his hands twisting through your hair as he tugs at it, and you can feel your heart going _thud thud thud _every time he smiles at you or comes too close.

You should have told him.

His eyes will never sparkle with delight and he will never catch his little brother in a headlock and he will never spend hours trying to teach you how to fight and you will never find yourself standing with your arms crossed opposite him again as you yell at each other and _dear gods he will never be here again_.

Because he is gone.

He is gone, and it feels like everything around you is cold and dark and grey and muted.

He is the one who draped his coat over you whenever you shivered at night in the cold. He is the one who rode with you on that stupid pony of his. He is the one who listened when you told him, quietly, about your life before they found you with the trolls, a human girl shivering and biting her lip and trying so damn hard _not to cry_. He is the one who made you smile, who made you laugh, whenever he thought you were getting a bit too serious for his liking.

And now he's –

Now he's _gone_.

He's not here, he's not here anymore, and the world is darker and dimmer and there is an empty hole in your chest.

_Fili_.

"I should have told you," you find yourself whispering to his coffin, you find yourself tracing his name along the gleaming stone. You can think of the nights he let your curl up next to him because it was too cold or because you couldn't sleep, you think of the days he's spent talking to you, making you laugh, you think of how he gets under your skin like no one else. And you can think of the way he smiles at you, the way he laughs, the way he throws himself protectively over anyone who would want to hurt the company. And you can think of a million times you could have told him this, but you never did because _you were just too goddamn scared_: "I think I love you."

"I think he knew."

You raise your head, almost guiltily.

It is Bain, standing by the door, his face half-hidden in shadow.

"Bain," you say, because you don't know what else is there you can say. Somewhere in between the hours at his house and the days making the way to the Mountain with his family and the time spent in Dale fighting for your lives you have become friends but _what is he doing here_?

He drifts over, settles down onto the ground next to you. "I think he knew," he says, again. "Fili. I think he knew you loved him."

_Loved._

It's just one word, one word slipped into the past tense, but it hurts hurts hurts so much.

"How?" is all you say.

"It was in the way he looked at you," says Bain, and you can see his long, pale fingers etching soft patterns into the stone ground. He doesn't look at you, and the only thing you can see of him is what the flickering torchlight grants you. "When you were at our house. He was always looking out for you first. It was like – " He pauses, struggles for a moment: "It was as if you were a flame he couldn't look away from. You were dangerous and you were bright and he knew he should stay away but he couldn't. I don't know how to describe it. And I think he didn't know how to tell you."

"You hardly knew him," you say, and something chokes in your throat because yes Bain hardly _knew _him and you will never be able to use Fili in the present tense again.

"No," Bain agrees, "but – he knew, I know he did. And I think he never knew what to say."

"He shouldn't have died," you say, almost petulantly. "He shouldn't have. He was going to be king, after Thorin. He had – he had so much to live for. He was a warrior, he was a fighter, he was good and kind and brave and _he didn't deserve to die_ – "

"Shh," says Bain, and somehow you find yourself with your head on his shoulder and his arms around you because you are crying you are sobbing and everything is falling down around you and all you can see is Fili, Fili with his stupid mane of blond hair and his smile and the silver beads on his moustache – "It's okay. It's okay."

It's not okay, it's not okay at all, but you let the lie wash over you.

"You're going to be okay," Bain tells you, and his hands are running through your hair, smoothing it, comfortingly, and you hang onto him tightly because it feels as if you are _drowning drowning drowning _and the world is _too dark and too dim and too grey _and everything _hurts hurts hurts. _"You're going to be okay."

It's a lie, you think, but it's one you need to hear.

* * *

It is difficult to forget someone like Fili, and you don't, and he is there in everything you do, in every laugh you make, in every smile you give, in every arrow you let loose from your bow, in every swing of your sword, every thrust of your dagger.

Sometimes all you have to do is look out over the city of Dale and it _hurts _because he is suddenly there smiling before you, blue-eyed and blond-haired and grinning that cheeky smile and you want to reach out to him and tell him words you have never been brave enough to say to his face and those words are _I love you_.

Sometimes you look back at the doors of Erebor and something aches in your chest and _no no no you must be strong_.

Sometimes Bofur pays you a visit, or Gloin, or Nori, or Balin, and you smile and you tell them how your life is going and you think you see a familiar grin out of the corner of your eyes and _it's difficult to breathe_.

Sometimes Bain drops by and he asks, "Are you okay?" and you remember Fili and you can remember smiles and laughter and everything _feeling right _and and you feel empty and small and dark and you smile and tell him that yes you are okay.

Sometimes you are okay.

Oftentimes, you are not.

* * *

It is years later when Bain asks if you will marry him.

"I think I love you," he tells you, when you stare at him in shock because Bain is your friend he is your very best friend and _what is he saying_? "I know you loved Fili. I know you always will. And I know that it has been seven years, and I know that time doesn't really dull the pain, but I think I love you and maybe you love me too, or maybe you could learn to."

And you don't know what to say because suddenly he is there again he is there and it is Fili and he is smiling at you and raising his eyebrows as if this is a challenge he is daring you to accept.

And you can only think no _no no _because Bain is not Fili and Bain will never be Fili –

But you can love Fili forever, and you can mourn him forever, but this is life and life is short and you must take it for what it is worth.

And Bain is your friend he is your very best friend and he knows you better than anyone he understands you better than anyone, and he is not Fili and he never will be but he is so wonderfully _Bain _and he can make you smile and he can make you laugh and he can make you feel as if the hole in your heart isn't quite so big anymore.

You tell him, "Yes. Okay."

* * *

It is a while, but you learn to love him. You love him for who he is because he is Bain and he is wonderful and there is no one quite like him. You love him for who he is and everything that he is and all that he is and for who he is meant to be and for who he was.

But there are days where you stand looking out over Dale and out at Erebor and you need to breathe slowly and deeply and you _remember._

It is not that you are unfaithful to Bain. You love him. You do.

It is just that once you were sixteen, and you fell in love for the first time with a dwarf with little beads in his beard and braids in his hair and bright blue eyes, and even if he didn't love you back you loved him and you loved him so much there was no turning back.

It is just that once you were sixteen, and everything was brighter and you were _okay better than okay _because you fell in love with a dwarf named Fili who made everything right and real and whole even if he didn't love you back.

But now you are not sixteen, and you are in love with a human named Bain who makes the world light up with colours and who makes the streets ring with laughter and who makes you feel like he is a piece of you that you never knew was missing.

You think that you are _okay_.

"I think I love you," you say to him, one day, when it is just the two of you and you have your hands in his and he is smiling at you as only Bain can smile.

He smiles more widely than you ever thought possible.

"I know I love you," he tells you.

You think that you are better than okay.

* * *

**so uhhh...any comments? hahaha**


End file.
